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I have been in a beautiful committed relationship for the past 4.5 years. I really love my partner and this is one of those stories where “your best friend is now your boyfriend.”

My problem starts with me. I want more, . We have been intimate and it is lovely, but I am not able to convey what I like during ‘sexy-time’. He is very good at communicating, he has been giving me suggestions on what he likes and how I can make things more enjoyable for him. He is very clear on what he wants. But I can’t say that for myself. I have always followed his lead. I don’t know how to effectively convey what I want.

I have recently been exploring myself, which I never did before. Maybe I never thought of it. But now that I am understanding what I like more, I want to tell him. Just don’t know how to start the conversation.

Maybe you can shed some light!?


Dear DontKnowMyself

Gandhiji, the Mahatma, not the Dynasty, said ‘Turn your light inwards’, and that’s my answer to the question with which you end your letter. You have already begun the exercise by wanting satisfaction for yourself too instead of the entrenched idea that women don’t have sexuality. That patriarchal diktat is so penetrative and forced that it should have been jailed for life under the new law for crimes against women.

Actually you deserve double the taliyaan. You have gone further by, as you put it, ‘exploring’ yourself — and actually verbalising it instead of reducing yourself to a slobbering, self-flagellating lump of guilt. Old bad is the new good.

Understanding your territory on your own is an all-important recco, a mapping out so that you know in advance what exactly you want from your partner. It’s like the Googling you do to get maximum paisa vasool from a holiday/expediton. Same difference.
Now to come to your basic query? How to tell your partner? Use the Nike mantra: Just do it.

What’s to fear? Since you’ve done the above research, you know what you want. So guide the guy. You aren’t strangers on an arranged-marriage wedding night, or fumbling teenagers. You’ve clearly had a mature approach to intimacy. More important, you have a stronger basis to your relationship than just libidos. He’s been your best friend, no?

So, if you express your own wants, he’s not going to push you away as some pushy maneater/ ‘not-a-good-girl’. If anything he will welcome the inputs (pun unintended). Both parties enjoying the act is, or should be, double the pleasure. Have fun.

Ask your questions to Bachi

(Write Giving Gyan in the subject line of your email)



Views expressed above are the author’s own.


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